Understanding Self Loss

In moments of transition, clients often arrive with the same urgent question: What Now?
What should I do next? What decision should I make? Which direction is right?

Over time, I’ve come to believe this question is being asked too soon.

Before we can know what to do, we need to understand who is doing it.

Life changes and transitions can quietly reshape a person, and we may become passive about our existence. This can make it surprisingly easy to get lost. One compromise at a time. One unexamined choice after another. Quietly. Gradually. In her book, It’s On Me, Dr. Sara Kuburik refers to this experience as self-loss— a feeling of being estranged and disconnected from our true self.

But, what if we were to pause and ask: Who is this person now, shaped by everything they’ve lived through? Answers to these questions can help to integrate our experiences into a coherent sense of self, allowing better choices from a place of wisdom, strength and freedom.

The work, then, is not to rush into the next chapter.

The work is to pause and ask Who am I, and what do I want my life to stand for right now? Then notice whether your daily actions move you closer to or farther away from that version of yourself. (Dr. Kubrick believes our calendars often reveal our values more honestly than our intentions do. (Kubrick believes our calendars often reveal our values more honestly than our intentions do.)

Self-loss is not about being broken. It’s about being estranged from yourself—about acting in ways that no longer represent who you understand yourself to be. Reconnection doesn’t require finding a “higher” or “truer” self. Your self is showing up right now, and the question is simpler, and harder: Do I like how I’m showing up? And if not, what small, responsible choice could I make differently?

And that, is What Now.